She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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