I accidentally burped into my bong.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just invented taco cereal.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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