I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
