I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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