I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
