tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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