i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
