They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
