o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
