tonight lets celebrate not being married
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
