this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
