I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
