I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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