buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We are all done wearing pants today
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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