I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
