after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i now understand why vodka
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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