I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
