First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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