We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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