Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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