Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
