oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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