When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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