I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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