Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
