Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
