The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
if only i could text you this smell
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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