doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
