It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Still dying that you shit outside
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
where are my eyebrows?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
