and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
