Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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