watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
