oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
