I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
