the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
