I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
