I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
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