If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
