The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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