i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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