just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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