I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
pray to the hookup gods
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