Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
