i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
