What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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