he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize