Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
