i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
