i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
