He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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