Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
