Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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