update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
