My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
