dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
