Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
