Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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