So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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