the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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