Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
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Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
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I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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