I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
